Darkness and Appreciation

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I am surrounded by utter silence.
I am afraid
I am alone
I start to scream
My screams echo through emptiness
I scream for help
I scream for anybody, anybody to come
All in vain
Only my voice echoes back to me
Then, I hear wails
Far, in the near distance
I walk
They get louder
They pierce my heart
The wails turn to screaming
I start running
I see you, your back turned to me
I put my hand on your shoulder
You turn around
You talk
I listen
I talk
Your wails start to decrease
Replaced by faint smiles,
Then with true smiles
And bliss laughter
Then, you spill your secrets, your fears, your life
I quietly listen
You tell me the truth of life
You tell me about death.
How it can be sought in different ways.
You tell me, “Stillness and loneliness, also leads to death”
You tell me, how you were yearning to be heard, yearning for a voice other than your own
You call me near
You whisper into my ear
“Thank you for saving my life”
“Thank you for listening”
Then, in the flicker of my eye
I am back where I started
No, I am in the same place where I was
Where you left me
I call out gently to you
No answer
Yet, it was only a second ago that you were thanking me
I call out for you
You don’t reply
I look around frantically
I know you’re here
I can feel your presence
I can see you
I know you can see me.
So why are you ignoring me?
Why aren’t you listening?
Wasn’t I the one who saved your life?
Wasn’t I the one who taught you how to laugh again?
To love once more?
To hope forever and always?
To live?
Wasn’t I?
You are there
Clearly one step away from me
I wait for you to take that step
To welcome me into your arms
To chase the monsters away
To lead me to a garden
I wait, for what seems like a thousand years
Yet, it’s that same second
Then
I take that step
Thinking maybe you need me
To bring laughter again
To bring love once more
To hope forever and always and maybe a year more
To live
I smile at you
The whites of your eyes turn icy blue
I shudder at the sight of them
You start to look at me
Your coldness meets my emptiness
They collide
I start to reach out to you
Start to say
“I love you”
Yet the ice freezes me from doing so.
I melt it with my warmth and say “I lov-“
You turn your back on me
I am confused
Did you not hear?
I start to say your name
Ask if I can talk to you
Several excuses thrown at me
“I am busy”, “Go away”, “I’m not interested”, “I don’t care”
I feel the need to cling at someone
Darkness is coming in at me
I pray in my heart for the real truth
Then it hits me
What you said has turned from a lie to uttermost truth
You are not busy
You want me to go away
You aren’t interested
You don’t care
I stare at you in bewilderment
I search you frantically
Surely there has to be that old you somewhere in there…
Surely being apart for such little time hasn’t separated us permanently…
I try to compromise
You refuse to see the truth
Refuse to see me…
I feel the darkness advancing on me
And then you say it
“I SAID DAMN YOU!”
And it swallows me
I am back where I started
I yearn to hear your wails
Yearn to have you run to me and apologize
Yet, hollowness
I cry
I wail
I scream
And I thank you
You killed my dreams
My dearest, you killed ME
Thank you
For letting it all be over

Dedicated to all those who yearn to be heard
This is to let you know
I’m sorry
For your past
I’m happy to see you are still here
Because
Even though all others have failed to listen
I will always be here
For you
I care
I know
You have been forcing laughter
Faking smiles
I have too
Take my hand
And I will take you on a journey
Far from this cruelty
A journey to happiness
To Infinity and Beyond
I love you
Forever and Always

Oceans and Sunshine

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Shock floods me.
Recognition sweeps through me
Too strong to let go easily
Why? Repeats itself endlessly in my confused mind
Pain is hurled at me
What I’d do to think clearly
Memories brush against me
As waves to the barren shore
I take a risk and tentatively take a step toward the roaring waves
I walk in
And then it drowns me
I taste salt water and gasp
Struggling to breathe
I crawl to the shore
Rain rushes down and forces my eyes shut completely
Light
I open my eyes, my face moist with tears
Surrounding me, is darkness
Pitch black
I shut them again
Yet there it is
I look around, darkness looming over me
I see it
Far in the near distance, a spark of light
A faint edge where sun meets land, world meets universe
And there he is
No, it can’t be, surely I am mistaken?
He, the reason for these tears, these waves being hurled at me
Yet there he stands
I squint
He is healthy, no mask, no tube, controlling his fate
Walking toward a garden
Its beauty, stunningly indescribable
Its rivers
Waves swaying gracefully throughout the river
He bends down and drinks the honey
Like Gold, flowing through his long, healthy fingers
He picks up a flower
Beauty drawn in all shades of color
A rainbow painted on each petal
He is full of hair, full of beauty, full of life
Then he sees me
I wake up
Face wet with sorrow
Perspiration rolling down my skin, onto my pillow
There he is once again
His face, ever so beautiful
His smile, ever so innocent
He looks at me
And he smiles

“Dedicated to my uncle and grandfather…
All of whose eternity didn’t last…
Whose beauty lives on…
Forever and Always…”